Werewolf Winter: The Howling III - The Marsupials (1987)

The Howling III is not just a film; it is an experience. You do not merely watch this movie; you are assaulted by it. You do not just share it with friends; you inflict it upon them. The amount of absurdity, bizarre choices, stilted acting, and ridiculous dialogue is almost enough to break a person, mind and soul.

Thankfully, I was pre-warned by the 2.9 review on imdb and knew that it was dangerous to experience this movie alone. So, bribing with promises of hilarity and a bunch of werewolf beer, I gathered a group of my friends for a screening.

It is just about impossible to communicate what it is like to watch this film. The plot is incredibly complicated: it involves a fictional version of the NSA, Siberian werewolves immigrating to Australia, Australian marsupial werewolves and their speedy metabolism, werewolf epilepsy, a werewolf ballerina, fake werewolf nuns, meta-horror movies, and the president of the United States disagreeing with the Pope.

It seems to me that the best way to "review" this film is to excerpt some of the comments from our Howling III viewing party. Rather than me trying to describe what is near indescribable, this will probably give you a better idea of what to expect if you travel down this perilous B-movie road.

"Howl Mary, full of grace..."

The film begins...
  

• "I've got a weird feeling."  "Indigestion?"     "Okay, I can already tell this movie is going to have amazing dialogue."
    
• "Why are there laser sounds at every scene transition?"     
  "I think the better question is: 'why not?'"
   
• "This movie may be too self aware."
     
• (After first reveal of Nun Werewolves) "Oh. My. Fuck."
         
• After marsupial werewolf puppet birth: "Oh my god, someone hand me a glass of water. I almost choked from laughing so hard." 
    

Somewhere between "how cute!" and
"OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

• "Marsupial werewolf birth is by far one of the grossest things I've ever seen in a movie... and, wow, they're spending a lot of time on it."
    
• "Heh. The dingo is her baby!"
      
• "Why did he turn his engine off for a routine traffic stop?"       "Huh? THAT is your problem with this movie?!"
    
• "Are we about to see werewolf ballet?"     "Oh man. We are totally about to see werewolf ballet!"

• "Why is there no blood after those people have been mauled? Did they forget to buy fake blood?"
   
• "Better question: why does the werewolf have six nipples? And why do they all look different?"
   
• "Did he just see a werewolf for the first time and yell 'crap'?"
    
• "This is so awesomely weird."
      

The film continues...

• "That fly keeps landing on people's faces. Couldn't they have used a different take?"       "Oh please - you think they could afford a different take? This film clearly used its whole budget on various stages of terrible werewolf baby puppets."
     
• "This may be one of the best things I've ever seen... Werewolf epilepsy - that is an actual thing in this film." 
   
• There were loud groans, which lasted for quite awhile, when we realized that the town the werewolves are from is 'Flow,' or 'Wolf' backwards: "That's as bad as Troll 2! In fact, it's the same reveal as Troll 2!"
     
• "You know, it looks like they're using just slightly modified pig masks."
    

Nearing the end...

    

Zombie werewolf corpse... seriously, this happens!

  

• "Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any weirder..."
     
• "I have to admit, I did not see that coming."  "No kidding - because it's stupid."
     
• After seeing a man shoot a giant werewolf puppet head with a bazooka: "I have to give this movie credit - that was awesome!"
     
• "So, werewolves are okay, just make sure he's not a homosexual?"      "A homophobic werewolf marsupial movie. Jesus."
   
• "I think this movie is all about commenting on the Catholic/Protestant conflict. It all makes sense now."
   
• "Did we just jump 20 years into the future?"      "Yes... and the future looks ridiculous."
     
• "You know, someone actually wrote this script, was nearly finished, and then said: 'I know, let's make the werewolf a movie-star.'"
     

After the movie is over...

• "Oh, wow. That was terrible."
    
• "It was like an even stranger, and more bloodless, Troma film."
      
• "That was a very confusing last third of the movie."
     
• "I think this movie should have ended about eight times. It's like The Howling - Return of the King."
   
• "That was so weird!"
    

 So... should you see this ridiculous werewolf movie? Well, that depends. It is almost unbelievably terrible, with horrible special effects and a head-scratching plot. But this is definitely the type of "bad movie" that can be entertaining to watch if you're in the right environment. The movie still won't be good, but it will likely be a lot of fun. So, if that sounds like your type of activity, grab some friends and check it out!

Rating as a movie: 1.5 out of 5 bites

Rating as a conversation piece/party activity: 4 out of 5 bites