Review: Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

The past several vampire movies I've watched for this blog have been of a range of quality, from stunning to fascinating to absolutely dull. However, regardless of quality, they've all had a similar tone and pace; they've been slow, ponderous, serious films, ones which play with subtle mood and mix vampirism with the directors' questions about morality, culture, and philosophy. While many have been well done, this last film left me so drained that I found myself wondering why I was trying to keep this blog updated .....Why had I even wanted to make a vampire movie blog anyway?

Thankfully, my local independent movie theater had a one-week showing of the film Bloodsucking Bastards and it reminded me of one important truth: vampire movies can be a lot of FUN.

Pictured: a lot of fun

Bloodsucking Bastards is a movie that I can only think to describe as a mixture of Office Space and Shaun of the Dead, but with vampires instead of zombies. The humor is absurd and fast paced, and even obvious jokes are delivered in such a perfectly timed way that I couldn't help but laugh.

The protagonist, Evan, begins the movie a bit down on his luck. He works for a telemarketing sales firm, where he had hoped to be promoted from "Acting" Sales Manager to just Sales Manager. However, the company instead hires an MBA-jargon spouting man named Max (played by Game of Thrones' Pedro Pascal), who Evan knew and hated in college (Evan's girlfriend had cheated on him with Max for one). Evan's girlfriend, who is the head of HR at the same company, has also broken up with him.

Evan is an extremely likable protagonist, and while much of that is how he is written, that likability also comes from perfect casting. Evan is played by Whedon show and movie alum Franz Kranz (Cabin in the Woods) and he plays the role with such wide-eyed sincerity that you can't help but root for Evan from the start.

The first half hour of the movie barely even hints that there will be something supernatural going on. Instead, we're treated to the monotony and relationships of the (extremely unproductive) daily office life: who is dating or not dating who, who has or has not paid for the last NCAA office betting pool, what happens when a frozen burrito explodes in the microwave, and in what ridiculous ways can everyone in the company avoid work. These antics probably couldn't hold up for a whole movie, but for about a half-hour it's charming and witty and a great slow-build for where the movie is headed.

As rumors of firings and restructurings begin to spread, members of the office start to go missing. However, no one notices much as they are caught up in their own routines. As an audience, we get to see some of their deaths, and these scenes allow for some fun suspense though and the special effects department for this movie definitely likes their gore...

While some people go missing, others simply... change. They are paler, more confident, more sexually forward, and much, much more productive at work. As an audience, we get what's going on long before our characters do, which ends up working as comedy in and of itself. Evan becomes almost literally the last person in the company to figure out that his co-workers are all being turned into vampires. As one character finally explains: it's a vampire company take-over.

"Here's your quarterly review..." 

Evan and two of his co-workers finally decide to try and slay the vampires, which leads to a fairly hilarious discussion on how vampires can be killed. They all nod at stakes to the heart and beheading, but when sunlight is mentioned, Evan balks. After all, it's been day time for most of the movie.  "You're telling me," he finally sighs, "that sunlight really does kill vampires, but we get so little of it in this fluorescent shit hole that they're just fine? Good God, that's depressing."

The perfect vampire environment... 

The co-workers grab an arsenal of office supplies (including the blade of a paper-cutter, wielded like a machete) and what ensues is one of the most over the top vampire-killing bloodbaths I've seen since the first Blade. The humor continues through every scene of action (at one point, Evan crashes over a co-worker's desk while running from a vampire and pauses when he sees a coffee mug, taking a moment to mutter: "Someone here went to Harvard?"). Between the buckets of fake gore and the character interactions the whole way through, I found myself smiling all the way to the end credits.

Bloodsucking Bastards isn't going to win any awards for subtlety, nor is it going to win any awards for profundity (after all, the metaphor that their work is "sucking the life out of them" and that the only ones who succeed in such a place must be "monsters" is pretty obvious from the first scenes). But it is a ton of fun in a way that many vampire movies forget they can be.

If you're looking for something fun and gross and silly to watch after a long work day, this movie might be one you want to check out!


Rating: 4.5 out of 5 bites