Review: Vampire Academy (2014)

The main thing to know about Vampire Academy is that it is basically Mean Girls. With vampires. And less humor.

Like Blood & Chocolate, Vampire Academy is based on a popular Young Adult book series. Also like Blood & Chocolate, the film version is apparently drastically different than the book source material, this time in tone rather than plot. From all I've read, the book that started this series had a serious and subtly emotional tone, while the film tries to hit a more obvious charming 80's teen-romantic-comedy vibe. What we get, therefore, is a film that doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. Like the aforementioned Mean Girls, also directed by Mark Waters, Vampire Academy seems to desperately want to be an 80's movie: complete with high school drama, overcoming school bullies, finding one's self, and the all important school prom. But with vampires, mind-linking, and a supernatural war.

Hey look: vampire Mean Girls... literally.

The world building in this film definitely had potential. According to an over the top voiceover from our protagonist, Rose Hathaway, there are three races of vampires: Moroi, Strigoi, and Dhampir.

Dhampir is word probably familiar to lovers of vampire stories; usually the term refers to a half-human/half-vampire. In this world, Dhampir are that, but they also are sworn protectors of the Moroi. Moroi are "good" vampires who live separately from human society (very Harry Potter/Hogwarts/wizarding world-like) and work on their magic. Moroi apparently drink blood and avoid the sun (they can go out in it, but it hurts), but they can also control elemental magic. Strigoi are "evil" vampires, or Moroi who have taken a life and now don't mind killing (think Harry Potter's death eaters).  Strigoi are physically stronger and much more ruthless, but are also more susceptible to the sun and silver. It is unclear if a Moroi who turns into a Strigoi can still use their magic. Either way, though, a very neat idea.

The movie opens abruptly with M.I.A.'s "Bad Girls." While a great song, it soon becomes clear that the music doesn't actually fit the tone of the movie at all. Our main characters are not worldly "bad girls." Instead, the story centers around the Dhampir Rose and the Moroi she's sworn to protect, Princess Vasilisa Dragomir (although she goes by Lissa). They are both ultimately kind, heroic, and only a bit sarcastic. Not exactly "bad girls," vampirism aside. Rose is played by Zoey Deutch, but everything about the look and writing for the character makes it clear that the character is essentially just Ellen Page, and it's quickly jarring to see Deutch trying to seemingly do her best Ellen Page impression. Lissa actress Lucy Fry seems to similarly be channeling her best Claire Danes circa 1996.

Before long, a major problem with this movie appears: its strained dialogue. The start of the film jam packs exposition into unnatural conversations, such as Lissa awkwardly declaring to Rose: "It's been a year and I still can't get used to you being in my head." Yes, that is clearly how normal people talk. We always clarly state how long a period of time something has been a certain way. Nice job, filmmakers.

However, apparently the exposition-via-conversation wasn't enough, and the film quickly gives us that over-the-top voiceover from Rose as well. The effect of both the dialogue-exposition and the voiceover is a movie so unbelievable and "teenage" in tone that it is nearly unwatchable.

Speaking of teenage, this brings us to the next problem of the film: its teen-centric plotline.

This scene looks like it belongs in a vampire movie... right?

As I've mentioned time and time again, teen supernatural movies are difficult to make watchable for the greater population. However, Vampire Academy has a whole world of mythology to draw from: a princess who needs to be protected from the Strigoi; a war between vampires; Lissa's powers, which start to consume her; and a secret spy from the Strigoi who seems to be planted in the school and thus puts Lissa and Rose in danger. Though the main characters are teens, everything about the story's "big problems" should make the story appealing to all ages (the way Harry Potter stories often are). However, instead the movie focuses a huge amount of its run-time on school bullying, boy problems... and, yes, prom.

Vampire. Prom. 

The movie tries to give a self-acknowledging wink and nudge to the audience by having the characters point this out more than once ("You've been making this about high school, and it's about something more!"). But the movie ultimately isn't quite self-aware enough. At one point, as Rose is discussing with Lissa the danger of the Strigoi spy and how it may try to strike at the vampire prom, Lissa responds (seemingly without intentional humor), "You're forgetting the most important thing: we have nothing to wear!" Almost immediately after this, Lissa again says "Can we put a pin in all that? We have more vital matters. Finding you a dress!" If you wonder if this comment is supposed to be humorous, I promise you it's not. We really do spend the next few minutes seriously focusing on Dhampir-Vampire dress shopping.

Dress shopping should not be a significant part of a vampire movie.

But just as the movie wants us to care about boys and dresses, it also wants us to take seriously the actual mystery and action scenes. But the shift in tone and focus is often too jarring to do so. One moment, Lissa is asking Rose how long she has been "in crush" with one of her Dhampir classmates, and the next moment a Strigoi attacks and characters are left injured, bleeding, or worse. The tone change is awkward and abrupt, and the two tonal halves of the movie never seem to quite blend.

Look, this scene is darker in color than the rest!
You should now take this movie seriously!

The last jarring detail about this movie is that there are a surprising number of Twilight jokes and references. When Rose (in one of her clunky voiceovers) is explaining that vampires are real, she jokes "and they don't sparkle." Ugh. Just... ugh. Later, when we see that the "good" Moroi vampires only feed from willing hosts, Lissa explains that her host is a vampire fangirl who writes Twilight fanfiction. When Rose asks if Letha plans on reading any of it, she laughs and says, "God, no!"

Really, nothing in this movie "earns" it the right to make fun of Twilight. Everything about the focus and tone indicates that the movie is meant for the same audience and age-group. It feels shallow and disingenuous, like making fun of someone for liking McDonalds, talking about how gross that kind of fast-food is, before suggesting a Taco Bell run. 

Trying to get sustenance from Twilight fangirls... there is a metaphor here.

Ultimately, the worst part about Vampire Academy is that the world-building really had promise. The idea of a magical-powered elemental vampire elites with half-vampire bodyguards protecting them from a horde of evil vampires could have been amazingly interesting. However, the movie chooses instead to focus on whether or not Lissa will be popular again in school, whether a fellow Dhampir will notice Rose at the dance, and whether the "mean girl" bully will get her comeuppance. The movie's triumphant end doesn't come when the Strigoi and the spy are defeated, but later when Lissa is able to stand in front of the school and give a "can't we all just get along?" speech that may has well have been given by Tina Fey to North Shore High. 

So, unless you are a teenage girl or equivalent who just really wanted a vampire-version of Mean Girls, I'd give this movie a pass at the Redbox. While it has some good ideas and some moments of entertainment, overall it's just not worth it.

Rating: 2 out of 5 bites