15. Underworld (2003)

Even if you haven't seen Underworld, you've basically seen Underworld. If you have ever seen a blockbuster movie with gaping logic holes and plot twists just for the sake of "edginess," then you've seen Underworld. If you have watched any action movie with stylistic slow-motion, leather jackets, and "futuristic" guns, then you've seen Underworld.  Underworld is The Matrix meets vampire movies, because it was the early 2000s and why not. So, sit back, grab your bucket of popcorn, your three movie-theater candies, and giant 32 oz. soda and strap in for the ride.

The movie opens, after some mild voice-over exposition, with over six straight minutes of a gun fight. Just so we know what we're in for...

The action is fun, if predictable, and vampires are very stylish looking (though the CG on the werewolves looks horrid). We're off to a decent start, but the movie does get much better when things slow down a bit and we are introduced to vampire court.

For one, the movie does a very nice job of setting up a contrast in vampire roles. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is part of a team of werewolf hunters. They are the soldiers, the vampire's army, fighting a war while the other vampires party, and lounge, and play politics.

When Selene's team wipes out most of the werewolves, the rest of the vampires become complacent and want the warriors to just, well, chill. The vampires, as a whole society, don't really want to be at war anymore. However, Selene and her team are warriors and are seen as not being able to let the war go. That's a neat idea, and one which I appreciated.

Meanwhile, there is a secret group of werewolves who are hunting a human named Michael (hey! It's Ben from Felicity!) who has magic blood which will allow him to be a human-werewolf-vampire hybrid who lives forever. Or something.

And this is where the endless twists come in. The movie tries to make it very clear for awhile that it is the head werewolf, Lucian, who is the villain of the movie. And so we spend about 85% of the movie thinking, "This guy is the villain. Boooooo that guy!"

Then it turns out that this guy is fairly sympathetic. He was just in love with a vampire! And the ancient vampire Victor, who is also Selene's maker, said it was forbidden, killed the vampire (who was also his daughter, apparently) and essentially started the war.

Okay, so this Lucian is actually a pretty okay guy. He's not even out for revenge; he just wants an end to the war he didn't start. Then who is our villain? Oh, turns out it's this guy, Kraven, who we're also taught to hate from the start of the film.

Okay, yeah, he seems pretty horrible. He's the decadent, political vampire. That basically screams villain, doesn't it? So, it turns out that he's been conspiring with the werewolves for political reasons! Political! Boo! Yes, so it's him we're supposed to hate. Selene basically says as much; she wakes Victor up from his planned several-century-long slumber specifically because she has hints of Kraven and Lucian's plans. Plans which prove they are traitors to the vampire race!

For the record, this scene of Victor being woken up is VERY
cool looking. The cinematography is actually pretty good in this film.

But wait... turns out Kraven just wants to end the war. It IS a political move, but one which would benefit majority of vampires (the ones not obsessed with killing lycans/werewolves). And Kraven had been forced (forced I tell you!) to clean up scandals and murders for Victor. 

Ah, so I see a pattern! It is actually Victor who is the villain! And, sure enough, the final battle is a climactic clash between Victor and Selene. The reason? Selene has saved a dying Michael (who she at some point fell in love with) with her vampire blood, turning him into a vampire-werewolf hybrid.

Wait... wait... WHAT? Isn't that what she was fighting to avoid? Isn't that the whole reason she woke Victor up? To stop Kraven and Lucian's plan? But then she then just goes ahead and makes said plan happen anyway because she decided it was the 'right thing' to do?

Never mind, I've discovered the ultimate villain plot twist in Underworld: the villain isn't Lucian, Kraven, OR Victor. It's Selene's complete incompetence.

Seriously, if she had listened to Kraven and the other vampires from the beginning and just chilled out and stopped obsessing over werewolves, then Lucian and Kraven would have created the super-vamp-wolf without her "help," the werewolves and vampires would have made a peace treaty to avoid mutual destruction, and A BUNCH OF PEOPLE would not have been shot. Then (most likely) Victor either would have been assassinated in his sleep, or (less likely) he would have woken up a century later and been angry that vampires weren't still killing werewolves, but by then the treaty would have been so well established that he likely couldn't do that much damage. Either way, problem solved.

But instead, every decision Selene makes causes the war to be worse. By the end of the movie, I couldn't help but scratch my head and think about how stupid and unnecessary the whole plot turned out to be. I think either the filmmakers expected the audience to be so distracted by the loud and flashy action that we wouldn't notice... or worse, they were so distracted by the loud and flashy action that they didn't notice how stupid their plot was.

Even with this, though, Underworld could have ended up being a confusing and shallow but cool-looking movie. Until the end...

Oh god, the end. The end of the final battle is so, so bad that it ruined a lot of the good action in the movie for me. I won't spoil it for you in writing, but if you'd like to know why it's so bad, check out the on-the-nose How It Should Have Ended video below:
 

Ultimately, Underworld is just sort of... okay. I guess. It looks cool at times, but that's really not enough. I like the fact that this is one of the few vampire films where a female vampire character is not trying to seduce everyone, and one of the few action films with a female protagonist. I just wish the overall movie ended up being better to support that.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 bites

~ LK